I have worked on myself for many years; you might say it has been a life-long practice of mine.
I got married young, 19, and have spent more than half of my life married. Therefore, when I found myself single, I made it my mission to date, meet men, and become a couple again. I don’t know if it was because most of my adult life I had been part of a couple, or if it was because most of my friends were married and a few in long-term committed relationships.
I felt like a misfit and a failure. When I was growing up, getting married and having a family of my own was what we did.
Have you felt this way?
Why was it that other people could easily find relationships while I struggled? I missed the benefits of being part of a couple. Being in a relationship gave me someone to always do something with. Being a part of a couple, there was someone to spend time with, eat meals with, watch TV with, go out with, travel with, and share life experiences together.
So, I made it my mission to become a couple. The grass looked greener to me for people who were a part of a couple.
Here are some of the steps I took.
I went out to restaurants and bars and looked to meet a stranger who happened to be there, single as well, and looking to become a couple.
At the gym and yoga studio, I chatted up conversations with potential mates instead of focusing on my workout and the poses.
I asked friends if their significant other knew someone, perhaps worked with a single guy, or had a friend who had a friend to introduce me to.
I went online on various dating sites, hoping that I would find someone to be a couple with. Hours and hours of reading profiles, sending emails, actively searching on this quest to complete my life was exhausting.
I was so busy looking for a partner that it did not occur to me that the reason I was finding this project difficult – yes I made a project out of it – was that
Wow! What a discovery! Now, before you throw out your significant other, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a couple. There are a lot of great things about being a couple – that I will not go into in this article.
But, as I began to evaluate being in a relationship and considered how that felt to me, I realized that it really didn’t sound like the life I wanted to live at this moment. I stress the phrase ‘at this moment’ because I well know that different seasons of our life bring different desires.
So, let me say that I don’t want to share my life with anyone currently. I love my life just as it is and until I feel differently, I think it best to enjoy being single.
This change of heart led me to see my life in a new light. I can meet up with a friend when I want to, go out on a date if I feel like it, eat a meal with someone if the mood strikes me, but I also can do any or all of it alone.
I have no one to answer to, no one waiting for me creating a time limit on the moment I am in, and I can be quiet and not talk if I feel like it. This revelation was so freeing for me. There is a huge difference in doing stuff alone vs being lonely doing stuff. I am very comfortable with spending time alone and do not feel the slightest bit lonely.
The big takeaway was being honest with myself about living my authentic life. The life that truly suits me today, tomorrow and for however long. The beauty is I can change my mind if I feel differently. The best thing I have ever done for myself is to take a moment to quiet myself so that I can listen to my inner voice. That voice, that if you can actually hear it over all the noise around you, will always steer you in the right direction. It is our internal north star.
I have since deleted all dating sites and do not actively search for a partner. The funny thing is, now that the daunting task of searching is done, and I am happy being single, I meet friends, date, and have healthy and satisfying relationships.
I have my own time and I have time together. I can travel with a friend, or I can travel alone. When I am asked which side of the bed I prefer, I smile and say the middle of the bed because most nights the bed belongs to just me!
How do you feel about being a couple? How do you feel being single? Have you listened to your inner voice lately?
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