As a dating coach with experience of over 25 years, I have heard and seen quite a bit.
When Carol, 67, an architect in Texas, came to me last month, she asked me why she hadn’t yet met The One yet, despite being online for a year.
Issue #1: Each man she had met in the last 6 months, she thought was The One – after the first date!
Issue #2: She so much wanted to find love, she told me she was falling in love after each first date.
Carol is a positive, smart lady – and I could go on and on with more she shared about her first dates, but falling in love after or during the first date? Uh-Uh. No way. That’s Hallmark movie stuff. Or desperation. Or many more adjectives.
So, let’s just jump in and talk about the mistakes women make when dating online:
Often, when I am online working with a client, and we’re looking together at potential online dates, they find something wrong with every single man. He’s an inch too short, he rides horses, his hair is receding, she doesn’t like photo #5 he posted…
My solution? Rarely do you look at someone online (come on, it’s a photo and a written dating profile) and say, “Wow, there’s a 95% chance I’m going to (like) love him.” No, it’s the ones you are on the fence with – the 50/50’s – that sometimes turn into great first dates!
Yes, people do that, but still can’t comprehend the why of it. Unless you are showing up with an arm cast from a pickleball incident, there’s absolutely no reason to talk about your health past. Remember, this is to be fun date, not a medical consult.
Lauren, 59, went on a date last week with Jerry, whom she liked. He had just gotten back from a golf trip to Scotland and was super excited talking about it. She told him she loved golf and was thinking of taking lessons. He texted for a second date – and she texted me in a tizzy: “Andrea, how am I getting out of this golf thing? I hate golf.”
Do you want him to change you? Like my daughter’s first grade teacher said about lunch, “You git what you git and you don’t throw a fit.” If you really like him, why would you want to change him? Carmen told me she wished he was more outgoing. You can’t do a darn thing about that. I always say the only thing you can change is some of their clothing!
Trust takes time. You don’t even know him yet, and we try to put our best foot forward on the first date. Trust is not about words, but actions. Does he call when he says he’ll call? He mentions planning something for July 4 weekend. Does he come through? Those are actions that inspire trust.
Trina gets nervous on first dates. So, she pre-games with a cocktail. On her last date, she had three glasses of wine. You don’t want to be sloppy, so come up with a better way to deal with nerves on a first date. I think my idea is better – just go on lots of first dates and your confidence level will skyrocket.
Most likely, a second date is too soon to invite a man over to your house. That is, unless that date is a party at your home. A second date invitation, cooking him dinner is too much, too soon 99% of the time.
Your attitude on a first date should aim to charm, so be positive. This means no bashing an ex, bashing the dating site you are on, complaining about the weather or anything similar. Negativity is a major turn-off.
Bonus Tip: Be gracious! Thank you is a big turn-on.
Happy Dating!
Do you get nervous before a first date? How do you deal with your nerves? How many dates would you go on before inviting a man to your home for dinner? Have you ever successfully “changed” a man? Do you think mood matters on a first date?
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