Q:
So I recently met this girl online and it turns out she goes to my college. We quickly hit it off. She’s smart, curious, good-looking, kind and clearly likes me, and the relationship is going great… But something feels wrong.
I don’t feel any particular profound excitement about seeing her. A previous relationship turned toxic precisely because of this intense mutual obsession, and at first I thought this sense of neutrality and peace was a good sign: after all, that’d mean that the relationship isn’t codependent. And as I previously mentioned, she’s lovely. Even if it turned out I didn’t like her that way, I’d still want her as a friend.
I feel guilty about being so confused and not being able to decide if I like her or not. I’m worried that I’m leading her on.
I’m not sure if I want this relationship. I feel like there should be something more. Something intense. Something passionate. But maybe that’s just an idealistic fantasy and I shouldn’t throw away a chance at a stable, healthy relationship.
Should I break up with her? And if so, how do I go about it?
A:
I’d love to hear opinions from other folks, but to me, this doesn’t necessarily flag as a problem! And in fact, you could be having a very authentic experience of intimacy and starting to see someone. Because a lot of times, those big big feelings of intense excitement when we’re first starting to see someone are a little bit of a brain trick. New Relationship Energy doesn’t always provide us with an accurate view and feeling of how we feel about a new person we’re trying to see.
Especially if you have a history of obsession that turned toxic, the more chill feeling you have toward this new girl could actually be your brain’s way of telling you you’re into her! You’re protecting yourself from going down a similar path of fixation. You allude to this in your letter, but then you also undercut yourself with those feelings of guilt. But from everything you’re telling me, I don’t get the impression that you’re leading anyone on here. Do you lie about your level of passion to her? Do you inflate your feelings? If so, then that would be a problem.
Maybe instead of focusing on what isn’t present in the relationship, it would be good to focus on what is. So, you’re maybe not feeling passion. Are there other positive feelings you’re experiencing though? You say even if things didn’t work out that you’d still want to be her friend. Why? No really, think of those reasons. Maybe even write them down. It would be helpful to visualize what you do like about the relationship and about her. You call her good looking, so I can assume there is a level of attraction there. Attraction doesn’t always have to feel intense.
Is anything about the relationship actively making you feel bad or unfulfilled or not like yourself? Those would definitely be things to pay attention to. But if you’re only “feeling wrong” because you have an expectation of passion that isn’t quite happening here, maybe it’s time to rethink things. It’s easy to put passion on a pedestal. But passion does not always equal a healthy relationship, as I’m sure you know! And I think the same can be said for the reverse; intense passion doesn’t need to be present from the onset of a relationship in order for it to be meaningful.
Passion can also be cultivated. Again, going back to this idea of protection, it’s possible you’re not in a place to be passionately obsessed with anyone right now because of your previous relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not ready to date! It is entirely possible that the passion between you and this girl could grow, that you could become more excited by her over time. I think we tend to think of “passion” in a relationship as something that dwindles, but that’s not necessarily always the case! It can grow! Especially for folks who maybe have some walls up when it comes to intimacy. I’ve actually written about the lack of an INSTANT spark at the beginning of a relationship before, and the tl;dr is that it doesn’t always necessarily matter!
Keep in mind that if it turns out she wants to be with someone who exhibits more passion toward her, she has her own agency here, too, and she can choose to end the relationship if you aren’t giving what she wants.
I think it is normal and fine for there to be some hesitation in the early stages of a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other. You’re still trying to define the relationship, which I don’t mean in the traditional sense of “are we girlfriends now” but in the more granular sense of how you fit into each other’s lives. You don’t have to be 100% certain about someone right away. If it starts to feel like she’s committing more seriously and you’re still holding back, then maybe reevaluate where you’re at and consider ending the relationship. But for now, don’t feel guilty for these feelings, especially if you’re being emotionally honest in your interactions.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
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