Breaking up is never easy. Breaking up with someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with you can be heart-wrenching – even if you’re the one ending the relationship. Just because you don’t want to stay in a relationship anymore doesn’t mean you stop caring about your partner as a person.
As Licensed Clinical Social Worker Dr. Julie Fanning puts it, „most of us are decent, kind human beings that do not delight in causing others pain.“
„If you’re dating someone because you care about who they are and feel that they don’t deserve to be mistreated, it’s hard to feel like you are the one [hurting them],“ adds clinical psychotherapist and relationship counselor Dr. Kevon Owen.
There is no way around it. Rejection is hurtful. Your partner will be heartbroken. But even if you hate the thought of hurting their feelings or dread their reaction, you can’t stay in a relationship out of obligation or avoidance. While initiating the breakup will most likely suck, there are ways to go about it that keep harm to a minimum.
„Be decent. Don’t do harm for harm’s sake, and don’t make it worse than it has to be,“ says Owen.
Wondering what being decent and minimizing harm looks like when breaking up with a partner who is still very much in love? Here are some tips to help you navigate the situation as compassionately as possible while processing your own emotions and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Remember That Honesty Is a Form of Kindness
„When someone is so into you that you know they will be devastated when you break up with them, your default may be to try to avoid the situation and even ghost them,“ says Fanning.
Skirting the issue may be tempting – but it’s not the kind thing to do. If it makes you feel any better, most people prefer knowing the truth even if the truth is painful. „In all the years I’ve provided therapy, the one truth that comes up, again and again, is that partners just want the truth,“ adds Fanning.
Don’t Take Responsibility for Their Feelings
According to Fanning, it’s also important to remember that you are not responsible for your partner’s feelings.
„You cannot live your life based on the fact that they will be sad if you aren’t there,“ she explains. „People may be devastated at that moment, but without fail, everyone I’ve known and worked with prefers to be told the truth – and prefers a clear end to the relationship.“
„I think it is also important for men (and everyone) to remember that none of us are so spectacularly amazing that someone will not be able to get over us,“ Fanning adds. „Your significant other will grieve and move on.“
Keep in mind that even if your partner’s reaction is intense, they will heal with time. It doesn’t make the breakup more pleasant, but it helps keep things into perspective.
Be Clear and Consistent
If you’re unsure about how to break up when your partner’s in love, there is one thing you need to avoid at all costs: confusing them.
„Don’t act like everything is fine when it isn’t,“ says Owen. „Don’t send messages that you want to be with them when you don’t. That’s hurtful. Say what you mean and do things that send the same message as your words.“
Acting like you’re still in a relationship by cuddling and kissing after you’ve broken up with them may feel like a good idea in the moment, but it won’t soften the blow — it will make things worse.
„A stress fracture may hurt less at onset, but it takes forever to heal, because people keep breaking and re-stressing the wound. A clean break heals more cleanly,“ says Owen. „Do what has to be done, and get out of there. Don’t linger. Don’t keep going back. It’s your responsibility to cause as little harm as possible.“
Process Your Guilt In Healthy Ways
It’s possible that you will feel guilty when breaking the heart of someone who is in love with you. Processing your guilt in healthy ways is crucial.
According to Fanning, the purpose of guilt as an emotion is teaching you when you did something wrong so you can adjust your behavior in the future. However, choosing to end a relationship is not wrong. It’s the right thing to do if the relationship is no longer working.
Ask yourself if your guilt has a purpose: Is there something about the way you handled things that you would do differently moving forward? If so, take note of the learning and apply it in your life and relationships. If not, work on letting the guilt go. Feel your emotions instead of bottling them up. Talk to a trusted friend. Seek professional help. Do what you need to do to move through your guilty feelings without punishing yourself in unproductive ways.
Don’t Try to Rush a Friendship
Whatever you do, don’t try to stay friends immediately after the breakup.
„At the beginning of a breakup, individuals often say this will be amicable and that they will try to remain friends. Most of the time, this blurs boundaries and causes harm,“ says Fanning.
If you do both want to remain friends in the long run, recognize that an interim period where you don’t contact each other is usually necessary before trying to establish a new kind of relationship between you.
Depending on the length and intensity of your relationship, this could be a few weeks, a few months or even more than a year — long enough for both of you to move on emotionally from the relationship.
Set Clear Boundaries
On that note, setting clear boundaries is essential. Your partner still has strong feelings for you. They may not react in rational ways. They may resist the breakup or message you all the time. Setting boundaries is the best thing you can do to avoid veering into problematic territory.
„Clear boundaries will ensure both parties are able to grieve and heal and move onto relationships more suited to them,“ says Fanning.
Facing the breakup head-on and staying true to your decision may be uncomfortable. Witnessing your partner’s pain may be difficult. Maintaining boundaries may feel foreign. But all of these steps are in your soon-to-be-ex’s best interests. While the tips above won’t help prevent heartbreak or feel easy to apply, they’ll help you avoid hurting your partner more than necessary.
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