<p>It’s very normal to be nervous before a <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/first-date-guide.html“>first date</a>.</p>
<p>Any time you’re meeting a stranger, there are a bunch of unknowns and things outside of your control, but with the date factor, you add high stakes.</p>
<p>It’s kind of like a job interview in that regard, except you’re not 100% sure what the job even is — yet more unknowns. </p>
<p>If the date goes well, you might have the best night of your life, and/or begin a relationship that lasts the rest of your days.</p>
<p><strong>RELATED:</strong> <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-first-date-ideas.html“>Top 10 First Date Ideas to Help You Have a Great Time</a> </p>
<p>However, if the date goes poorly, it could go badly in all sorts of different ways, from unlikely and extreme — like date is a setup and you get robbed — to the much more common and pedestrian <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/worst-first-date-situations.html“>bad date situations</a>, where you simply don’t connect on any level, and you leave the date feeling depressed, lonely, and undesirable.</p>
<p>But at the end of the day, the difference between a positive and negative outcome playing in your mind does not mean that being nervous before a date is a certainty. </p>
<p>In order to better understand first-date nervousness, and how to leave it in the past, AskMen spoke to a handful of dating experts.</p>
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<h2><center>How Common Is First-Date Nervousness?</center></h2>
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<p>In the lead-up to a first date, it can feel embarrassing to be anxious or nervous about it. </p>
<p>But the truth is, you’re far from alone.</p>
<p>“It is very common to be nervous on a first date,” says Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at <a href=“https://condoms.uk/“>condoms.uk</a>. </p>
<p>For Murphy, it’s a question of the potentially high stakes of the moment.</p>
<p>“After all,” she points out, “you might be about to meet your soulmate — the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Of course, lots of dates don’t end with you meeting your soulmate. But there’s always that chance.”</p>
<p>Dating coach Connell Barrett, host of the “<a href=“https://datingtransformation.com/how-to-get-a-girlfriend/“>How to Get a Girlfriend</a>” podcast, echoes that it’s common to be nervous before a first date — and has a bit of a new way to think about it.</p>
<p>“Being a little nervous on a first date is not only common — it’s a good sign,” he says. “It means you care about the date and want it to go well. If you were on a date with someone you weren’t excited about, there would be no nerves at all. Butterflies are a good sign!”</p>
<p>On the flip side, however, he notes, “deep, pit-of-your-gut anxiety” is not a good sign.</p>
<p>“If you feel that way on a date, then you’re likely struggling with more concerning issues regarding self-doubt and your romantic worthiness,” Barrett says.</p>
<p><strong>RELATED:</strong> <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-get-out-of-your-own-way-when-dating.html“>How to Get Out of Your Own Way When Dating </a></p>
<p>Another thing to keep in mind is that not only are other guys feeling nervous before dates, but they’re definitely not the only gender that does. >?
“What a lot of men don’t understand is that, as nervous as you are for your first date, we women are sitting there contemplating our fifth outfit, opening fresh boxes of makeup specifically for tonight, and FaceTiming our girlfriends to ask how we look (before deciding that we don’t look good enough yet ourselves),” says dating coach <a href=“https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuS0iVoUHk2NL24dhcLXyVg“>Jessica J</a>.
</p>
<p>“Because as nervous as you are about meeting <em>us</em>, we feel it about <em>you</em> too!”</p>
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<h2><center>Why Men Get Nervous on First Dates</center></h2>
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<p>In fact, it’s likely women may feel more nervous about going on a first date with a man than vice-versa, as they’re much more likely to have to contend with the specter of their date becoming physically or sexually violent than men are. </p>
<p>While that doesn’t completely invalidate any anxiety or nervousness you’re feeling, it’s not a bad thing to keep in mind if you’re a man who dates women.</p>
<p>But why do men get nervous on first dates, exactly? Of course, every guy is different, so there’s no guarantee that anyone’s nerves will stem from the same source as others’ do. But Barrett has identified what he believes are two common causes for men’s first-date nerves when they do occur. </p>
<p>“The first cause is being too attached to a good outcome,” he says. “If you badly want the other person to like you, needing that romantic validation can create nervousness. The nerves come from anticipating the possible <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-handle-rejection-the-right-way.html“>pain of rejection</a>.”</p>
<p><strong>RELATED:</strong> <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-first-date-conversation-tips.html“>First-Date Conversation Tips That Actually Work</a> </p>
<p>“The second cause of first-date nerves is performance anxiety,” Barrett adds. “Many men fear that they will ‘run out of things to say’ on dates, or come across as boring, awkward or somehow unimpressive,” Barrett says. “As a dating coach for men, I see a lot of guys wracked with fear about how to flirt and what to say. They’re terrified of awkward silences on dates or struggling to have a good conversation.”</p>
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<h2><center>Preventing First-Date Nervousness</center></h2>
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<p>So how do you become a smooth, confident guy who’s never nervous on first dates? Easier said than done, of course, but knowing likely causes of your anxious feelings can help in a big way. </p>
<p>“Nervousness largely stems from focusing on things outside of your control, such as whether or not you’ll get rejected, or how good your conversation and flirting skills will be,” Barrett says.</p>
<p>“To go from a bundle of nerves to a tower of confidence, put all your focus on what you can control — and forget everything else,” he suggests. “In dating, if you focus on what you can control, you’ll feel more at ease and confident — and it’s much more likely the date will go well.”</p>
<p>In practice, Barrett says, that looks like things like:</p>
<ul><li>“Picking a great first-date spot</li><li>Looking your best, being well-groomed and wearing your <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/style/fashion_advice/what-to-wear-on-a-first-date.html“>favorite date outfit</a></li><li>If it’s a bar or restaurant, getting to the venue early to make sure you find a good place for you and your date to sit. </li><li>Leading the conversation to fun, mutually enjoyable topics, such as travel, TV shows, and hobbies — and avoiding negative or polarizing topics, such as exes, politics, or work stress</li><li>Bringing a positive, playful energy to the date. If your dog just died, I’m very sorry — but save that for your therapist! Dates are supposed to be fun and positive. </li><li>Asking <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_150/176_relationship_expert.html“>good first-date questions</a> that spark a great conversation — such as, “Who would play you in the movie of your life?” or playing a fun game of “Would You Rather…?”</li><li>Giving your date one or two specific, sincere compliments</li><li>Going for the first kiss, if you feel like there’s a mutual spark </li><li>Telling your date you would like to see them again, if you feel that way”</li></ul>
<p>“Focusing on what’s beyond your control creates nerves,” he concludes. “But dialing in on what you can control helps you to relax and grow confident.”</p>
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<h2><center>Dealing With Nervousness When You’re on a First Date</center></h2>
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<p>Of course, even a good amount of focusing on what you can control beforehand may still not be enough to prevent you from experiencing those first-date nerves when the time finally comes. Whether it’s right beforehand or during the date itself, sometimes you need strategies for calming yourself down. </p>
<p>Murphy notes that using some basic self-soothing strategies may not be a bad idea.</p>
<p>“If that happens — or if you want to avoid first-date nervousness altogether, then take deep breaths to calm your mind and body down,” says Murphy. “Just take deep breaths, listen closely to what your date is saying, and chime in when you can.”</p>
<p>If you find yourself experiencing elevated levels of anxiety that feel like they could be a panic attack of some sort, it’s OK to tell your date that you’re struggling. While that might feel counter-intuitive, if they have a bad response to something like that, it’s a good sign that they might not be right for you to begin with.</p>
<p><strong>RELATED:</strong> <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-date-if-you-have-social-anxiety.html“>How to Date If You Have Social Anxiety</a> </p>
<p>Someone who’s understanding about anxiety issues might be very sympathetic and you might even be able to bond over it, which could end up making you feel much less anxious.</p>
<p>That conversation could also lead to you taking a moment of time to yourself (such as going to the washroom or stepping outside for a breath of fresh air) that could help you regulate your nervousness.</p>
<p>Other than that, Barrett suggests following what he calls “the three Ps” — being present, passionate and playful.</p>
<p>“These will not only steady your nerves, but they’ll increase your odds of a great date — and a date that’s going well sends your confidence sky-high,” he says. </p>
<p>In practice, that means being in the moment, listening actively to your date and asking them questions, and not being afraid to be a little silly or fun when the moment calls for it.</p>
<p><strong>RELATED:</strong> <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/one-simple-dating-hack-that-ll-make-you-way-sexier.html“>Why Asking Your Date Questions Makes You Way Sexier</a></p>
<p>Jessica J raises another valid point — sometimes a moment of first-date anxiety can stem from your perception that your date isn’t enjoying themselves. In that moment, she says, it can feel like “it’s your responsibility to ‘fix’ it.”</p>
<p>In that case, she says, “you’re allowed to decide that how [your date] communicates (or doesn’t) is not a good fit for you.”</p>
<p>“You don’t need to fix anything, because there are two people at this party, and just because your date doesn’t seem to be having fun doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”</p>
<p>The fact of the matter is that dating is unpredictable. Until you get two people together talking to each other, there’s no way of knowing for sure if they’ll click or not. That’s why we go on the dates — to find out. </p>
<p>Remembering that sometimes what you find out is that you’re actually <em>not</em> right for each other after all is useful, because it can help re-frame a bad date from a failure to a learning experience — and that’s something you never have to feel nervous about.</p>
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