Casual relationships are not meant to last forever. Yet few people know how to end one gracefully. When a fling has run its course, it can be tempting to let things fade out and reduce contact until the other person gets the hint. You may even rationalize fully ghosting.
“Sometimes people choose this route because they think ending a relationship will be hurtful or disappointing to the other person involved. However, ghosting and fading behaviors actually cause much more pain and disappointment than ending things with a mature conversation,” says Vance cofounder Madeleine Phelan, MSW.
But, as Misty Williams, LMFT, puts it, “there is much to be said about engaging with integrity in all situations in life – including casual dating.”
Learning how to end a casual relationship kindly will not only benefit the person you’re seeing, but it will also support your own emotional evolution.
“Developing the habit of ending relationships kindly, regardless of their nature, can contribute to personal growth and emotional maturity. It allows you to practice effective communication and empathy, which can benefit your future relationships,”adds Phelan.
While every situation is unique, the following tips can help you end a casual relationship with kindness and respect (and minimized guilt and messiness).
1. Reflect on Your Feelings
Before any potentially difficult or emotionally charged conversation, it’s always a good idea to reflect on your own feelings. “Take time to understand your own emotions and reasons for wanting to end the relationship. This self-reflection can help you communicate your needs more effectively,” says Phelan.
Once you’ve figured out your reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship, it can be helpful to prepare a few neutral statements to summarize them. Williams notes that it doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault that the relationship is ending.
Being able to articulate where you stand in a neutral way — for example, by sharing something like, “I don’t see a future for us as a couple” — will help keep the dialogue constructive and sensitive.
2. Don’t Delay the Convo
Whatever you do, don’t delay the conversation. This can prolong uncertainty and emotional distress, says Phelan: “It’s important to address a desire to end a relationship (no matter how serious) in a timely manner to be respectful of the feelings and time of everyone involved and allow the healing process to begin.”
3. Choose the Right Setting
If you’ve only been on a couple of dates, a text message may work just fine. But if you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks or months, breaking things off in person is best.
“Being able to see each other face-to-face can offer more closure to both parties involved. Seeing a person’s facial expressions, hearing their tone of voice, and observing their body language will also help you demonstrate empathy,” says Williams.
It’s arguably more uncomfortable, but it’s the right thing to do. Meet somewhere where you’ll have time and privacy – settings like a restaurant may not be a great idea either.
4. Avoid Giving Mixed Signals
If you’re reading this article, you likely care about breaking your fling off with empathy.
But attempts at showing empathy shouldn’t be confused with attempts to keep the relationship going. It’s easy to send mixed signals when you feel bad about the other person’s reaction. But the empathetic thing to do is being direct and concise when expressing your desire to end the relationship – no beating around the bush, no leading the person on.
Offer closure and explanation, express your intentions clearly and honestly while using “I” statements, and avoid leaving room for misinterpretation, suggests Phelan. “End the conversation with appreciation for the time spent together,” recommends Williams.
5. Hold Space for Their Response
Another important piece of the puzzle of ending a relationship kindly is holding space for the other person as they process what you are telling them. You’ve had the opportunity to think things through and make a decision. You went into the conversation prepared. They may be caught off-guard.
Give them a chance to express themselves while you listen. “Be attentive and validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with them. Respect the other person’s feelings and reactions and allow for space and time to process this change. They may react with surprise, sadness, or anger. It’s important to remain calm and respectful, even if their response is challenging,” says Phelan.
Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, says that you should avoid dismissing or diminishing the relationship because it was casual.
For example, you don’t want to say that it’s no big deal and that they’re overreacting because you’ve only been talking for a few months: “They get to decide how they feel about your connection — even if it’s casual,” she says. That said, you can and still should set boundaries.
“You don’t have to be their shoulder to cry on for days, weeks and months to come,” adds O’Reilly.
Only you can gauge how you feel and why you want to end things. Not wanting to continue seeing someone is enough of a reason to break things off. Regardless of the situation and outcome, approaching the conversation with empathy and transparency will allow you to feel good about how you showed up.
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This article appeared first on AskMen