They say to not judge a book by its cover, but personal appearances are our first window into meeting someone new. Sure, there’s online bios and descriptions your friends might provide you of the friends they’re trying to set you up with, but more often than not, people are intrigued — or dismayed — based on how someone looks.
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When it comes to being a man, however, there’s one key attribute that’s slowly gaining more mainstream attention pertaining to our attractiveness, reaching beyond our level of wit, intellectual capacity or bicep circumference.
I’m talking about emotional maturity, and it’s a quality many others find desirable — perhaps at times even on a subconscious or unconscious level. Here we’ll explore why learning to gain control over your emotions is one of the best things you can do to boost your level of attractiveness.
But first, a look at emotional immaturity. We’ve all experienced emotionally immature individuals at one point or another, regardless if we had the terminology to label them as such.
They’re the folks in our lives who are classified as adults because of their age but who respond to stresses and uncomfortable situations like a child. Emotional immaturity is a lack of control over your emotions, so instead of you controlling your emotions, your emotions and reactivity are in charge.
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What does emotional immaturity look like? It could be you trying to express your thoughts about your relationship and your partner mimicking your words to mock you. It could be you trying to express your needs to your partner and them yelling and getting angry with you.
If you’re trying to have an “adult” conversation with someone and their response is lacking thought, care or empathy — but is loaded with reactivity — you’re most likely experiencing someone who’s emotionally immature.
But guess what? We’re all emotionally immature at times. We’re humans and we have feelings. The key is understanding and processing what we feel in a “mature” way so that a conversation can take place around it.
In the context of relationships, the more emotionally grounded and mature you are, the more you are able to handle the ebbs and flows of day-to-day life and the ups and downs of relationships themselves.
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Most men aren’t taught how to do that. Instead, we’re taught to “get big” when we express anger or an uncomfortable emotion, sometimes even leading to physical acts of violence.
Protecting or defending yourself against an attack is one thing, but if you explode with venom when your partner is trying to have an open and honest discussion about how they feel when you’re late all the time, nothing could be less attractive.
So how can we be more emotionally grounded men and thus increase our desirability in the eyes of a potential partner?
First, take stock of your own reactivity. Ask yourself, “Where do I often feel triggered by a partner or by other people?”, and then explore why. The simple act of asking yourself this question is a quality many will find sexy, because one’s ability to self-reflect is extremely attractive.
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Which is why the path to becoming more emotionally grounded can only enhance your sex appeal, not detract from it. Think of it like going to the gym and putting in the reps. You may not see results in a day, but in two weeks you’ll start to see some changes.
It’s similar with emotional growth. By embarking on a path of curiosity surrounding your own reactivity, you’re expanding your consciousness and self-awareness to a level that most potential partners will be excited about.
Once you have a general understanding of your “trigger points,” take it a step further and think about how you can respond differently the next time one of those triggers is activated.
Instead of yelling and getting defensive when someone says something you perceive is an insult, ask them what they mean by what they said. Or if you’re feeling frustrated that someone you’re on a date with is glued to their phone, why not ask them to spend the next 30 minutes with phones away instead of getting heated and telling them they’re rude?
It might feel weird or challenging at first, but with time, regulating your emotions will become second nature. And when it is fully incorporated? Watch out! You’ve just become one step closer to being an emotionally grounded man — a man no longer ruled by his emotions but who’s in charge of them.
We can all agree that being able to have mature conversations about anything is the key to a successful relationship. If the biggest challenge most couples face is communication, and you’re an emotionally grounded dude, then you’re presenting yourself to potential partners as a man with a solid foundation who’s able to talk through any potential challenge.
Imagine being desired because of your perceived ability to handle the curve balls life throws at you, all because you’re in control of your emotions. That’s why emotional groundedness is sexy AF.
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This article appeared first on AskMen