<p>Playing hard to get is a dating strategy as old as time — but it’s just as controversial as it is common. While some say it’s an effective way to pique potential mates’ interest, others think it’s an unnecessary — and even downright manipulative — game. So, which is it?</p>
<p>“The effectiveness of ‘playing hard to get’ is somewhat paradoxical,” explains Destin Gerek, a relationship coach, certified sexologist, and founder of <a href=“https://www.evolvedmasculine.com/“ target=“_blank“>The Evolved Masculine</a>. “On one hand, it can spark interest due to the inherent human desire for the elusive — we tend to want what we cannot have. However, this strategy can also lead to misunderstandings and missed connections.”</p>
<p>Ultimately, he says, “It’s not so much about the act of playing hard to get but rather the way one navigates the dance of attraction and communicates their intentions.”</p>
<p>Fortunately, a number of studies have examined whether or not this strategy works. So, before you start feigning disinterest in a potential partner, here’s what you should know about the potential effects of playing hard to get.</p>
<p><strong>RELATED: </strong><a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/mind-games-in-relationships-what-they-look-like-how-to-avoid-them.html“>Mind Games in Relationships: What They Look Like & How to Avoid Them</a></p>
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<h2 style=“text-align:center“>Does Playing Hard to Get Work?</h2>
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<p>Playing hard to get is based on the notion that we often want what we can’t have — and that by making yourself seem unattainable, you actually increase your desirability. </p>
<p>According to a <a href=“https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2070117″ target=“_blank“>recent study</a>, feeling uncertain about a potential partner’s interest — for example, because they’re playing hard to get — can make them <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-ways-to-improve-your-attractiveness.html“>more attractive</a>. People are also often more willing to invest time and money into hard-to-get partners. </p>
<p>However, researchers found that people prefer partners who reciprocate their attraction and are clear about their romantic intentions. Overall, people who are perceived as hard-to-get or easy-to-get overall are <em>less</em> desirable. What daters really want, it turns out, are people who are ‘hard to get’ for everyone else, but easy to get for themselves. </p>
<p><a href=“https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/06/200608192510.htm“ target=“_blank“>These findings</a> suggest that playing hard to get can work — but only as long as potential partners feel that their efforts might eventually be rewarded.</p>
<p>“People have different preferences and communication styles, so it’s quite hard to predict the effectiveness of playing hard to get,” says Laura Wasser, a relationship expert and chief of divorce evolution at <a href=“http://divorce.com“ target=“_blank“>Divorce.com</a>. “That said, I’ve noticed that playing hard to get can sometimes create an air of intrigue and spark interest, but it might not be a successful long-term strategy.”</p>
<p>According to Karolina Bartnik, a dating and relationship coach and co-founder of the <a href=“https://simplytogether.co/“ target=“_blank“>SimplyTogether blog</a>, playing hard to get can work — but only when two of the following conditions are fulfilled:</p>
<ul><li>“Firstly, you have to actually mean it, at least to some degree,” says Bartnik. “You have to be willing to let go and walk away. Or at least keep up the appearance of this longer than the person you’re trying to reel back in. You cannot back out of it midway, or your date will see right through you.”</li><li>Secondly, your date has to be genuinely interested in you and willing to chase after you. Otherwise, your plan will backfire — and they’ll quickly give up on trying to pursue you.</li></ul>
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<h2 style=“text-align:center“>Things to Consider Before Playing Hard to Get</h2>
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<p>Experts say that whether or not playing hard to get works hinges on a few key factors, like the other person’s preferences, past experiences, dating goals, and attachment style. </p>
<p>Gender may come into play, too. While the power dynamics in dating are definitely evolving, traditionally speaking men have been expected to pursue women. Hence why a guy might actually enjoy the chase, whereas a woman may be turned off by it.</p>
<p>“Regardless of gender, playing hard to get is only effective when the other person is already somewhat interested in you and feels that putting in more effort will pay off in the long run,” explains Boodram. “If this is the case, being a little bit of a ‘challenge’ may increase their perception of what you have to offer and motivate them to chase you more.” </p>
<p>However, if the other person is not committed or invested in building a relationship with you, playing hard to get will probably fail, says Boodram.</p>
<p>“In this case, it’s best to approach the relationship in an intentional and straightforward way,” she tells AskMen.</p>
<p><a href=“https://www.avesselforlove.com/“ target=“_blank“>Alana McKenzie Page</a>, a dating and intimacy coach and author of the book <a href=“https://www.amazon.com/Art-Feminine-Seduction-Reclaim-Dating-ebook/dp/B0BW2P62ND“>The Art of Feminine Seduction</a>, also adds that playing hard to get can sometimes be a major trigger for people with <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/relationship_advice/anxious-attachment-style-what-it-means-how-to-deal-with-it.html“>anxious attachment</a> and <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/relationship_advice/avoidant-attachment-style-what-it-means-how-to-deal-with-it.html“>avoidant attachment</a> styles.</p>
<p>“You may start to experience clingy or indifferent behavior from your dates if you take this approach,” she explains.</p>
<p><strong>RELATED: </strong><a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_60/94_love_secrets.html“>6 Reasons Why Women Have Higher Standards in Dating</a></p>
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<h2 style=“text-align:center“>Do Experts Recommend Playing Hard to Get?</h2>
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<p>According to Boodram, it all depends on the person you’re looking to attract and the type of relationship you’re hoping to build.</p>
<p>“Playing hard to get is likely a better strategy if you’re looking for a casual fling vs. a committed, <a href=“https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-maintain-a-long-term-relationship.html“>long-term relationship</a>,” she says. “Someone who loves the chase may not actually be interested in building anything serious.”</p>
<p>Wasser agrees, noting that communication, honesty, and emotional availability are crucial for strong partnerships and genuine connections.</p>
<p>“I recommend authenticity and clear communication above all,” adds Gerek. “If someone chooses to play hard to get, I advise them to do so mindfully and considerately.</p>
<p>With all that in mind, if you do decide to play hard to get, here are some expert tips for ensuring the approach is more likely to be effective:</p>
<ul><li>Balance mystery with openness: “Being an open book right off the bat can stifle the natural development of attraction, but so can being too aloof,” says Gerek. “Find a balance that maintains intrigue while also allowing connection to grow. For example, Michelle G, chief matchmaker and CEO at <a href=“https://incrediblelove.com/about/“ target=“_blank“>Incredible Love</a>, advises letting the other person initiate contact, but giving them timely replies so they don’t start assuming they have no shot with you.</li><li>Don’t string someone along with some level of interest: Playing hard to get just for an ego boost is misleading and can have serious emotional consequences for the other person. Unless you’re actually interested in them on some level, move along.</li><li>Have an end game: “Remember that playing hard to get can be an initial way to spark interest, but it’s not a long-term strategy,” explains Wasser. “Once you’ve established a connection, shift towards open communication and emotional availability.”</li><li>Be kind and compassionate: “Maintaining respect for one another is an essential part of any relationship, and you never want to play hard to get at the expense of someone else’s mental health or happiness,” says Boodram. If you get the sense that playing hard to get is causing the other person distress, quit the games and be upfront with them about how you’re feeling.</li></ul>
<p>The bottom line? In the wise words of Page: If you want to create healthy relationships, <em>be</em> hard to get, don’t <em>play</em> hard to get.</p>
<p>“To make that happen you want to have or build a social and professional life that lights you up,” she says. “You need to know what you are looking for in a relationship and actively seek it instead of settling for connections that don’t add something positive to your life. Dating like this may require you to say ‘no,’ to people more often, but it will lead you to hotter and more fulfilling yeses.”</p>
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